Write Your Own Bad Novel

2009, a year I had devoted to finishing all the half-finished novels I have lying around, is over, and I did complete one novella that had been on hiatus for far too long, so I decided to reward myself by starting my bad supernatural romance novel. It was inspired by Harlequin Teen, a Harlequin imprint spun off for the purpose of publishing more books like Twilight. Looks like some quality material there:

A scream bursts from her throat, and someone dies. Kaylee Cavanaugh doesn’t know why she is compelled to scream—she knows only that she can’t stop it. And now, just as she’s started dating the hottest guy in school, classmates are dying—and Kaylee keeps screaming…

Katie and I thought a Twilight ripoff would be a fun NaNoWriMo idea. Katie went with zombies and produced a fun novel that, if you haven’t read, you should. I came up with time-traveling cyborgs.

If you’re looking to write your own bad young-adult bestseller, there are two routes you can take: the Twilight route and the Eragon route. The former is very straightforward (take a standard romance novel, make the lead girl a Mary Sue fantasy, make the lead guy something supernatural and awesome, ???, profit), but we’re rapidly eating up all the good potentially-sexy monsters, so let me walk you through the steps to creating your own Eragon-style novel. Don’t worry; it’s easy.

Step 1: Pick a fantasy or sci-fi world you like. For my example, I decided to use Narnia.

Step 2: Pick a system of magic or technology you like. I picked the origin story of the Fantastic Four (cosmic radiation).

Step 3: Pick an awesome plot object you like. I picked the TARDIS.

Step 4: Pick a plot you like. I picked Terminator.

Step 5: Put it all together, and you’re done!

My example story goes like this:

Due to depletion of the ozone layer, people are exposed to cosmic rays that turn them into fauns, dwarves, dryads, and other fantasy creatures. Animals exposed to cosmic rays gain the ability to talk. When these fantasy creatures start becoming numerous, the humans declare war on them. A faun named James Connell becomes the leader of the resistance against the humans. The humans construct a time-traveling box and send an assassin to kill James Connell’s mother, Sandra Connell, who was a human. The fantasy creatures build their own time-traveling box and send back a faun named Cameron “Cam” Rose to protect Sandra. He and Sandra fall in love, but he is killed while fighting the assassin. Sandra and Cam’s baby, which is a faun, grows up to be James Connell.

In the movie version, I think Sandra should be played by Natalie Portman, Cam by Keanu Reeves, James by Hugh Jackman, and the assassin by a resurrected Ricardo Montalban (we miss you, Ricardo). It will be directed by Michael Bay.

Maybe I’ll write it up when I’m done with my cyborg romance novel.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Write Your Own Bad Novel

  1. Doad

    My bad novel:

    Setting: It’s a Wonderful Life (Bedford Falls)
    System: Star Wars (the Force)
    Object: Monsters Inc. (Closet-door portals)
    Plot: The Incredibles

    Jimmy Stewart must hone his Force Powers, which have gotten a little flabby since settling down with Mary and the kids, and confront the evil Lionel Barrymore, who seeks to rid Bedford Falls of “special” Force-sensitive people by entering through their closets at night. Jimmy reconnects with (and learns the true value of) his friends and family when they come to his rescue.

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