If you’re wondering where I’ve been recently, I can keep it a secret no longer. I have joined a secret society.
Okay, I haven’t (yet). But our house’s previous tenant did receive a form letter that’s too entertaining not to share. It’s six pages long, double-sided, printed on cheap paper that appears to have been cut to size with scissors. I’ve blacked out the previous tenant’s name, but the liberal use of bold face is all in the original. So imagine your favorite dramatic celebrity voice and enjoy.
Well shoot, I’ve broken the rules already by reading it. If I don’t post again, you can safely assume the black helicopters took me.
Wow, this league’s members sound like extraordinary gentlemen.
I actually would be surprised if they turned out to know a great deal about our home’s former tenant, since they apparently don’t know that he moved out more than a year ago.
Warren Buffett and
Summer Sumner Redstone? That’s the best you can do? You couldn’t appropriate the success of someone people actually like?
Also, Einstein’s big accomplishment was divorcing his wife.
Ooh, it’s the “pretend to be a celebrity concealing your identity but provide enough details to make it obvious who you are except it’s not impersonation because you never said your name” game! How many tries does it take you to guess whose Wikipedia page was plagiarized here?
In other news, you’d be happy if you just had rich friends.
SCIENCE! If these secrets work for anyone, what would happen if everyone tried them simultaneously? Does the population of the world become 100% celebrity?
Ah, the law of attraction! Interesting from a psychological perspective, but also complete nonsense.
Control anyone and render them helpless to do your bidding? This isn’t the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, this is the Evil League of Evil.
I guess George W. Bush is a good example if you want to prove that your secrets can make anyone successful, regardless of ability.
I’m particularly looking forward to meeting Bad Horse. Although now I’m a little disappointed that no singing cowboys popped out of this letter.
Make address corrections, in case the people who have been keeping careful tabs on you don’t know where you live. And make sure to find a post office that’s open at midnight.
Hey, a crest! This must be a legitimate organization! Oh, wait, it’s a stock image. Google’s image matching search has made lazy fraud so much harder.
And here’s the return envelope. Okay, sure, it looks like it was printed on someone’s home inkjet and you have to include your own stamp, but what do you expect? Bill Clinton’s not made of money.
Just in case anyone’s still confused, this is a mail scam; if you reply, they’ll send you a little photocopied pamphlet and then demand $200 for the full-length massive ancient manuscript that supposedly contains the actual magic secrets. Whether or not one of the secrets is “don’t send money to people claiming to be secret societies” remains to be seen.
“You may already be a wiener” from Cute Overload, of course. League of Extraordinary gentlemen found here. Evil League of Evil found here.