After a struggling spring kitten crop and weeks of sporadic gaps in the kitten supply across the country, the president today declared that we are officially experiencing a nationwide kitten shortage.
“Kitten yields are just 70% of what they usually are at this time of year,” said Obama in a prepared statement. “Families across the country are going to need to tighten our belts and make what kittens we do have go farther. However, we are a strong country and I know that we can weather this storm together.”
Obama encouraged Americans to turn to more readily available kitten substitutes, such as puppies, bunnies, and hedgehogs. Rumor ran wild after the press conference that the president is using the kitten shortage to boost business for the powerful hedgehog lobby, with which he has well-established ties. “He’s received millions of dollars of donations from the Prickles for America SuperPAC, and he responded by including a fat hedgehog farming subsidy in the latest agriculture bill,” said a source close to the president, speaking on condition of anonymity. But when asked whether Obama might have orchestrated the entire kitten shortage to strengthen his own hedge fund, the source said, “That’s going too far.”
Obama said in his statement that he will not consider tapping into the National Kitten Reserve at this time. Although the Reserve contains 24,000,000 barrels of Maine Coons, the president stressed that releasing a large number of them into the economy could cause severe fluctuations in the National Floof Index.
Kitten dealerships across America are experiencing problems with their distributors, with many locations completely sold out of calicoes and snowshoes. The American Association of Licensed Kitten Dealers urges everyone to nevertheless acquire their kittens from reputable licensed dealers. A spokesperson said, “If someone stops you in a back alley and pulls open his coat to offer you a Turkish Van, don’t take it. You don’t know where that kitten has been. For all you know, you may be supporting that guy’s Pomeranian habit.”
Kitten banks have popped up in several major cities to help support a kitten-impoverished populace. Individuals with surplus kittens are encouraged to donate. So far, the United States has refused foreign aid, but the UN is preparing to dispatch a ship stocked with 200 24-count boxes of tabbies, just in case.